(Companion Article to Marriage on Purpose, “What is Being Admitted?”)
Forgiveness is often confused with a temporal and emotional response to being hurt or maligned. We know that holding a grudge and refusing to let pain go will keep us upset and even angry. At some point, we “feel” like letting go of the slight and getting on with life. However, almost daily triggers can bring us face-to-face with the memory of what it felt like to be judged, mistreated, falsely accused, lied to—the list goes on. We find that forgiving seems impossible because we can’t forget. How can we walk out the forgiveness that felt good in the moment? Let’s begin by looking at what God’s Word says about how God forgives.
Two Words for Forgiveness
1. The Greek word, charidzonai, comes from the word charis, which means “grace.” It implies that a debt is canceled because of an undeserved act of goodwill. In Ephesians 4:31-32, forgiveness involves eliminating bitterness, rage, and fighting. It involves offering kindness and compassion. In Colossians 2:13-14, God offered this same charidzomai when He forgave us our sins because of Jesus’ payment for them on the cross.
2. The Greek word, aphiemi, means to “loose” or “let go.” It implies that when forgiveness is offered, the offense should not be brought up again or dwelt on. In Luke 7:46-48, Jesus tells His disciples that the woman who anointed His feet is forgiven; He uses aphiemi to add to the meaning of forgiveness. He is saying that the woman’s sins are now forgotten. 1 John 1:9 uses the word aphiemi to say that God’s forgiveness also purifies us; that He will not continue to hold us accountable for our sins.
Implications of Godly Forgiveness
1. When we charidzomai someone, we release a spouse, brother, or sister from any debt to repay. We do not expect an apology or wait for one before offering forgiveness.
2. When we aphiemi someone, we let the offense go and do not bring it back up. We do not carry it in our hearts and allow bitterness and resentment to grow.
How Does God Tell Believers to Forgive?
God teaches us in Ephesians 4:32 that we are to forgive as God has forgiven us. This means both charidzomai and aphiemi. We are to forgive, expecting nothing in return, and we are to put the memory of the offense away from us and determine not to bring it up again.
How to Forgive?
1. Begin by acknowledging your pain and hurt to yourself and perhaps to the one who has hurt you.
2. Remember that forgiveness is not just for the benefit of your relationship to another but is for your own spiritual, mental, and physical health.
3. Recognize that forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice. It may take time for emotions to align with thoughts and actions.
4. Choose to forgive, right now, in the moment.
5. Tell yourself that your act of forgiveness has no strings attached.
6. Tell yourself that forgiveness is a process. You forgive one time, but you spend the rest of your life reactivating and reaffirming your choice to put away your thoughts of revisiting your desire for retribution or demanding something of the one who has been forgiven.
7. Remember that walking out forgiveness is a journey that can only be made through the power of the Holy Spirit. Proverbs 23:7 highlights the truth that how a man acts and conducts his daily life comes from the influence of his inner thoughts. Galatians 5:25 teaches us that if we allow the Holy Spirit, He will walk with us step by step. Romans 12:1-2 commands us to allow God’s Spirit to transform us. How?
How Does a Man Allow God to Transform His Mind and Keep Him From Walking in Unforgiveness?
1. By asking for a fresh infilling of the Holy Spirit daily (Ephesians 5:18).
2. By spending regular time in the Word (Hebrews 4:12).
3. By confessing sinful thoughts and asking God to take any selfish, vindictive, or entitled thoughts into captivity by His Spirit (2 Corinthians 10:5).
4. By inventorying daily thoughts and not dwelling on any that are sinful or selfish (Philippians 4:8).
5. By practicing a heart of gratitude for the one who has offended you (Ephesians 4:32).
God has given us a new heart of forgiveness. We are to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. We fool ourselves if we believe we are walking out our spiritual calling if we harbor unforgiveness. Instead, we are being the “noisy gong” and “clanging symbol” spoken of in 1 Corinthians 13.
